Ode To Barry**

**by way of the Christians

These words came out around 20 years ago, but have so much more meaning today.  Am I going to regret writing this shortly?  Is this just how I feel now?  If it doesn't ring true in the future, I'll delete you.

If I could find words to tell you I'm sorry, make you understand I mean just what I say.
After all that I've heard, why should I worry when we ride the fine line between love and hate?
If I had been wise, well how could I doubt you?
Now I'm all alone, my life in disarray.
But try as I might, I can't live without you.
So I cling to the hope of a bright, brighter day.

Oh, I know we've been through this all before.
How can I prove my love for you is real?
No, I can't do anymore.
If I could only find words.

And still he has dreams and still I must learn to cope.
Absurd as it seems, I still have hope.

If I had good sense and heed all the warnings, I would let it be and leave all well alone.
But there's no recompense for waking up mornings, feeling sure it's myself who's the foolish one.

Yes, I know we've been through this all before.
How can I prove my love for you is real?
No I can't do anymore.
If I could only find, if only I could find, if I could only find words.

The Other Woman

My husband had an affair 5 years into our marriage, so that would be about 6 years ago now.  Today, I saw her for the first time since finding out about it 5 years ago.  I always imagined what I'd do if I ever saw her.  Scream at her, hit her, let everyone who was within earshot know that she was a homewrecker.  I did none of those things.  I was with a friend that doesn't know about the affair and I'd like to keep it that way.  She was with her husband and children.  I didn't realize at first that it was her until I recognized her husband.  It was all so surreal.  We were passing each other and I wanted to turn around to look at her from behind, but I didn't know if she had recognized me and would have been turning around at the same time which would have been awkward.  I finally did turn around and she was not looking at me, so I don't think she noticed me.  My next thought was do I tell my husband?  Hey, guess who I saw today!  What purpose would that serve?    

Muddling Through

One thing I was wondering about blogs is do they have to be PG, like the way Blockbuster is because they don't rent porn.  Well, I saw here an adult content button that can be pressed.  But what exactly is "adult content"?  The F word?  Negative political/religious views?  Sex talk?  That's all going to be here because I have a potty mouth, I'm opinionated and I want to be frank.  How do I determine what might be offensive when I'm just being true to myself?  If someone doesn't want to read something of mine because it might offend them, then that's not the type of person I want following me.  I'm a left-wing liberal and conservatives need not apply.
One last thought.  Do you ever get followers if you don't tell anyone about the blog?? 

Reasoning

I was so excited to start this, then the holidays came and with it, family.  Wanting this to be private from everyone I know, there was never enough time to do it.  Now everyone's gone and I'm not quite sure where or how to start because I overthink things.  Finding a name for this blog took weeks, more than it should have based on what I read about naming one's blog.  But it had to reflect me.  I wanted it to signify both my intense desire to write and the obsessive thoughts and daydreams that I constantly have.  The latter clogs my head and maybe writing is a good release for that.  I've always wanted to write a novel based on the 'stories' that I have going on in my head.  That's not necessarily what I"m going to do here, but will any kind of writing help with the inspiration needed for that?  I've been told that if I want to write a story, I just have to start it and the words will flow.  But I feel like a light is supposed to go on at some point and if it never does, then it was not something that I was meant to do.  I suppose I could also look at this as a continuation of the diaries that I used to keep in my youth.  Boy do I wish I still had those.  Getting out the obsessive thoughts in writing might alleviate the occasional stress associated with that, I hope.  I think they might come out as angry little rants or just truths that I don't normally want to share with anyone.  I'm just going to let it all hang out here and see what happens.
No one know about this.  Not my family or friends and I want to keep it that way.  I don't want people I know inside my head because they might not like what they find there.  And I am a very private person.  If I end up with any followers, they will be strangers who will hopefully give me constuctive feedback and insight.  Maybe there's one person I would let in, but that's another post for another day.